For my brother... RIP

I've always had these thoughts floating around in the back of my mind, and I wanted to put it out there why I'm doing this... It's a kinda of therapy I suppose but its also to be held accountable.  This is where I am coming from in my journey...

When I turned 30, I was probably at my heaviest weight, or at least very close to it.  Turning 30 for me wasn't a celebration - not because I was afraid of getting older, but because it meant that in the first time in my life I would be older than my brother.  My brother was 11 years older than me, but at the young age of 29, he was diagnosed with a liver tumour and advanced bowl cancer.  This guy rarely drank, never smoked, never did drugs.  He never had a weight problem and thanks to our Italian parents, we never ate processed food growing up. My parents grew all their own vegetables, raised their own chickens and my mother made everything from scratch, we didn't even have a microwave until I was 18 and that was only because Mum won it in a local raffle!

Needless to say, this diagnosis was a major shock to everyone.  Our family has never had a history of ANY kind of cancer, not even with the family back in Italy.  We couldn't understand it.  I was only 18 at the time and I just didn't understand what was happening, or the seriousness.  I had never known anyone who was sick or who had died.  I still remember being in the Dr's room with my brother and him being told to get his affairs in order, that there was nothing they could do for him, but it never really sank in how sick he was.  He was 29!  Wrapping our heads around the fact he was dying was impossible.   

Despite having extremely low odds that any chemotherapy would help him, he elected to try it anyway.  Actually, I don't remember at the time if he really wanted to do it but my parents were so desperate to grab onto any strand of hope, I guess they pretty much forced him into it.  There was even talk of him flying to Italy to try some controversial new treatment but he was simply too sick to fly.  Within 3 months of being diagnosed, he died from a blood clot on his lung as a result of the complication from the chemo.  He was only 2 months away from his 30th birthday.

After he died, I went off the rails a bit.  I did some stupid stuff, made some stupid mistakes.  I comfort ate and I gained weight.  My brother was my anchor.  I have a strained relationship with my parents at the best of times, and throughout my childhood and teenage years, he was often the only one I could talk to.  Italian parents can be smothering, especially with their girls, and he was the one who pushed them to let me see my friends on weekends, go to the movies, and even just let me choose my own career.  He was the one who supported my photography, he was the one who bought all my materials and films for my course when I left school, he was the one who first taught me to use a camera.  The fact that now I have a thriving photography business is due to him.  He's the one that set me on this path.

Turning 30, well, for me that was really tough.  And I remember sitting there on the morning of my 30th birthday, at my heaviest weight and thinking... "What the FUCK am I doing? What is wrong with me?!"  I have this amazing gift and I don't even realise it.  I have a body that is pretty robust.  Despite the excess weight, I don't really have any health issues.  I have all my limbs, all my senses, I don't even have any allergies!  And I have my whole life ahead of me.  What would my brother have given to change places with me, to have this body instead of the cancer-riddle one he got?  I'm sure as hell that he wouldn't be squandering it by eating crap food, being a couch potato and hating his reflection in the mirror.  And that's essentially what I was doing.  No exercise, bad eating and self-loathing is not a way to live.  It's a waste.  I've got so much potential, I can't squander this opportunity, this gift.

Last night, lying awake in the dark, I thought about my goals, and what I want to achieve in this round. I want to make my brother proud of me.  I want him to see how grateful I am to have the body I do have.  I want to show my body respect, love it for what it is.

So now, when I am doing this program, I am doing this for me, and for my brother.  Every step I take, every weight I lift, every meal I eat, with every bead of sweat, I will be thinking of him.  I'll do it because he never had the chance to, and I know he would want me to take the bull by the horns and live the life I know I am capable of.  To be the best version of myself.  I won't spend the rest of my life like I did my 20's.  I am not going to squander my blessing.

RIP my brother.  I miss you.

 

Preseason Homework - setting myself up for success!

Yesterday I spent the better part of the day working on my pre-season tasks... both my excuses and my goal setting.  The goal setting was so much fun but the excuses part, well, I had a bit of a revelation and I'm not quite sure what to do with it...

Basically it comes down to the fact that I am not a fan of the chatter in my own head, and I have a fear of boredom, so I always seem to fail when I set myself goals of going for a walk alone, or trying to run alone.  I am pretty successful in the group activities and if I have an appointment to be somewhere to workout I almost always go because I hate to let people down.  It's kinda weird, because I do take an iPod with me, but it doesn't seem like enough.  I just get bored being on my own.  Maybe its because I work from home and I'm alone for days on end (which is why I'm on facebook so much, its my only social outlet during the week!) I don't want to workout alone too?  I know this is the reason I haven't been successful with the Learn to Run program though.  Something to work on for this round!  Some new music will be the first step, methinks.

As for the goal setting... wow, that was a blast!  I came up with so much!!  I was much more focused for my goal setting this round, and a lot more specific compared to the last round.   I basically started with my 2yr/12 month goal.  I am a big fan of the Formula 1 and my favourite Aussie driver Mark Webber runs the 'Mark Webber Challenge' in Tasmania in December each year (usually) and my long term goal is to be able to have the skills to participate in it.  And there are a lot of new skills I will need!!  Stuff like mountain biking, kayaking, swimming in the ocean, running etc so I have basically centred my goals around getting these new skills.

Over the next 6 months, I want to try my hand at kayaking, mountain biking (I am super excited about this, I love to ride!) and even learning how to swim (at present, I can only doggy-paddle.  True story!).  I'm hoping to try some of these new activities when the milestones roll around, but maybe even before then.  I'm a typical gemini, I get bored VERY easily and always need to be trying something new.

At least now I feel like I have focus, and I have an end goal, and a deadline, so I can't procrastinate too much.  I feel pretty focused and confident I have a plan of attack.

My very first goal though, is to start Round 3 in the 60's.  I have from now until kick off to shed 900gs minimum to achieve my goal... Should be easy, but I have been a little bit all over the place with my eating and I've only really just gotten back into my exercise properly this week.  I'm trying to get focused but I have a few big events coming up over the next few weeks that is going to test my focus!

I'm happy to report that at least this week, I have been doing regular gym sessions.  Back to Pump & Step, and this morning I tried out the Cardio Circuit at the gym... holy crow! I was smashed!  I managed to burn 500cals in 45min and its been a long while since I have been able to do that in a gym class.  I was almost ready to puke and I thought I would cry at one stage!  I also signed up for some intense super sessions on sundae mornings which I am kinda scared of.  There are a number of ladies I met in Round 2 and that I really really admire doing these sessions so I'm hoping to bask in their glory - hopefully their success will rub off a little on me ;)

Weekend Wrap Up

It's taken me a while to get around to doing the wrap up of the weekend, the workout session and the finale party.  And oh my! What a weekend it was!

The group workout was amazing - I was blown away by the sheer number of people who where there. Some of the interstaters looked fantastic with their matching shirts and caps.  My crew didnt have great shirts but we all tried to wear the same colour so we still looked pretty spiffy.  We managed to get a group photo before the workouts started and the excitement in the air was just contagious!

My two pals and I were umming and ahhing about which group to go into, either Intermediate or Beginner.  One of my pals is pretty fit and she is always in a bigger group, plus I hadnt exercised for a few days, so I was feeling a bit unprepared.  I'm proud to say we took the challenge and jumped into the intermediate group - which was HUGE!! I think they under-estimated just how big this group was, because it was a little disorganized to start with.  I really enjoyed it though, there were was a great sense of camaraderie and quite a few laughs.  I saw quite a few trainers helping Mish out that take some of my gym classes which was cool.

At one point, we got "ambushed" by Mish - where she jumps in and takes the group through their paces - it wasn't very long but we all tried extra hard and by the end of it I was ready to PUKE! Now I know how the contestants on The Biggest Loser feel, haha!

After the workout was done, we lined up for the group photos.  It was actually a spur of the moment decision because we weren't going to bother waiting in line for a photo with Mish because we had got in the big group one earlier in the day, so by the time we lined up, we were at the very end of the line.  This actually kinda worked out because by the time it was our turn, most people had disappeared and we got a shot with Mish with just the three of us! SO COOL.  We didnt really get to chat to her because there were still other folks desperate for her attention, but we managed to just say "Thanks! We love the program!" and that was it.

After the workout, we headed home to spruce up for the Finale Party.  I was so out of practice for nights on the town. I'm a real homebody and my pals are too.  It was such a drama to find an outfit for the finale party, we almost didn't go! In fact, one of my pack didn't go even though she got a ticket!  I had to rummage through my wardrobe to find an old dress to wear, I didn't want to spend money on another new dress, especially because I only consider myself to be 'Halfway' on the program.  I had a dress from a work party a few years back that my mother hastily altered to fit (it was way too big because I'd lost too much weight!) so that was my dress for the night.  It was weird wearing a dress though... I think the last time I wore a dress was my wedding day!!

We met up for drinks before the party with a bunch of other ladies then all headed to the Hilton for a great night.  We got more photos with Mish and seeing everyone frocked up was just amazing!  I really loved the inspirational wrap-up video that the team did and the whole party atmosphere was so much fun.  I loved seeing some of the gals I have been doing bootcamps and training with win awards.  Got me so much fired up, so glad to be doing Round 3.  I really would love to be getting one of those medals next time around!!

I'm a bit sad that the next round finale party wont be in my home town.  It probably means I wont be able to go and many of my training buddies wont be able to go either.  We'll just have to wait and see when they announce it.

Headspace & Commitments

My headspace has been filled with 12wbt the past few days. I am caught up in the excitement of the new, fresh round, when anything is possible! The forums are going off, and facebook is full of activity. I've been thinking hard about how I'm going to tackle Round 3.

It's no secret that towards the end of Round 2, I slacked off and I lost focus. I know 100% that this is because I didn’t do the pre-season tasks of planning the mini-milestones ahead of time. I also didn't schedule in the time to do my fitness tests like I should have, and before I knew it, time had gotten away and I didn’t end up doing them when I should have.

I also didn’t set out with a set plan for round 2 in terms of my fitness. My very first goal was just to make it through a step class without keeling over and dying of exhaustion. I managed that ok, then my next goal was to do back to back classes, which I did. Then I started getting bored of my gym classes and before I knew it, I was skipping more and more of them.

So this time around, I am planning my exercise down to the minute - I'm getting a little ahead of myself I know (This pre-season task hasn't been asked of us yet) but I am just trying to think of ways I can up the ante in Round 3.

All the events popping up in the facebook page has been making it easier too. I did something crazy today and signed up for a Sunday morning bootcamp - Sundays are usually a day for sleeping in and then rocking up to Pump at my gym at 9.30am, but now its going to involve getting up at a sparrows fart and driving 30min to participate in a group workout with some really inspiring women from Round 2. I usually avoid the early morning workouts because my job usually keeps me up til 2am but hopefully weekends will be okay. Might be more tired on the weekends when the F1 is on, but that just means I will have to schedule in a mid-afternoon nanna nap to catch up on sleep!

I should be more nervous, because its a big commitment... and especially now that I have committed to it in front of all the 12wbt folks I can't get out of it without looking like a quitter - and I don't want to look like a quitter ;)

Bring on Round 3!!

Love this

This is awesome! I so love this!

Self Sabotage... WTF!

So Round 2 is over and its a few more weeks before Round 3 kicks off...

So what the hell is going on in my head that makes me want to have a bit of a free-for-all with my eating? It's the usual "I'm starting my diet tomorrow, lets eat what I want today!" attitude and it kinda stinks!  Whats stinks more is that I wasn't even aware that I was doing it.  After a few days of eating shit, guess what? I FEEL LIKE SHIT.

Boo! Hiss!

I really am looking forward to Round 3.  I can't wait to sit down and do my goal setting 'offically'.  I have some big ideas floating around but I havent put them down on paper yet.  I can't wait to get my vegetarian eating plans and get back into my calorie counting.  I can't wait to be back at the gym and soaking up those endophines after a kick ass workout.

I'm really looking forward to becoming the person I could be when I am on the program... someone who exercises regularly, eats well, and loves life.  But lately, the depressed, bloated, blah-feeling version of myself has been ruling the roost.  My husband even said to me I'm a major cranky pants when I dont get my exercise in and to "PLEASE go back to the damn gym!" lol!

So why am I binging like it's 1999??  I feel like shit today and my food plan is a shambles.  All the things I thought I had learned in Round 2 has fallen away and I really hate this out of control feeling.  Tomorrow I have a day off... I plan to make tomorrow a Zero point day. Get me back to my prepared and focused state of mine. 

I really am excited about Round 3.  I just need to set myself up for success, just like Mish says!

My how times have changed...

I had the most wonderful weekend!

It kicked off with Bootcamp early Saturday morning, then my husband and I grabbed our bikes, jumped on the train and did a 38km ride through the city.  Saturday night we joined friends for some chinese, Sunday I did my usual BodyPump, then met some friends and tackled the Kokoda track again in the glorious winter sunshine.  Finished off the weekend with a movie and meal out with just my husband and I.

My husband's quote from last night... "I'm looking forward to going back to work on Monday so I can just sit there and relax..." LOL.

Since doing the 12wbt, our weekends are so much more active, and so much more outdoorsy.  We used to be such couch potatoes... We are very much homebodies, we are not the type to drink all night or smoke or party it up.  We just like to hang out with our friends at home, chill out and watch a few movies.  It just got to the point when that was ALL we did, which I hated.  But now, we have so much fun together!  We get outdoors on the weekends, we ride all over town, we hike up mountains... we feel the sun on our faces and breath in big lungfuls of fresh air.

We have that "quality" time together and our relationship is so much better for it.  I never realised how much the 12WBT journey would change my outlook on life, let alone the relationship with my husband.  I am so thankful for it.  I'm really loving life at the moment!!

Oh, hi there... it's been a while...

Hrmm... well, it turns out I kinda suck at blogging... A flurry of posts before the 12wbt challenge kicked off, then nothing until week 11.  I vented everything on facebook so there was nothing left for the blog!

Ah well.  But here we are again...

The good news is that on the program, I have shed more than 8kgs so far.  I'm at my lowest ever weight in about 7 years.  My clothes are so baggy they hardly fit - even my underwear is too big!  I've gone from a loose, flabby couch potato to actually having some tone to my body.  I have a few muscles even!  I love not carrying around a spare tyre everywhere I go, and I love that just this morning I had to buy a pair of size 10 gym pants because my 14's and 12's are too big.  I only had the 12s for 4 weeks but already they have been regegated to the 'lazy around at home pile' because to wear them in public means forever pulling them up.  Nice feeling that.

It's nearing the end of week 11 and while I'm pretty stoked with my progress on the program, I know I still have a fair way to go.  Even though I cracked the 10% loss barrier, I am still in the overweight category of the BMI.  I have kinda floundered the past few weeks too.  I'm not sure exactly why. You'd think that these awesome results and being so close to being in the 60s again that I can practically smell it would keep me focused.  Not to mention that my best friend gets married in a few weeks and I am the Maid of Honour!  And that my MOH dress is still a tiny bit snug, due to no larger sizes being available for purchase!

But despite all this, just today I fell into old habits and binged in a self pity-fest.  I started the challenge strong, it got to Week 6 - half way! before I succumbed to the lure of a bag of chips.  I did how Mish suggested and I layby'd it.  I worked for it, I saved it up and anticipated it for days.  And when I had that first chip, it was like all my Christmases had come at once.  It was bloody brilliant! And I enjoyed it. I enjoyed all 175g's worth.  I even stayed with in my calories... and I thought - this is awesome! I can have my cake AND eat it too.  You would think that that would be the end of it.. I had an itch and I scratched it. 

Only... Instead of scratching and inch, I look back now and I think it lulled me into a false sense of security.  The 'having your cake and eating it' mentality.  And it's wrong.  Oh so wrong.  I realised today, with a couch literred with chip crumbs, an empty packet and a bloated stomach, that I really havent learned much at all. 

Yeah, I can jog around an oval and not die half way, I can do two gym classes back to back. I can lift weights, I can star jump.  I can even LIKE it.  I cook easy, low calorie meals, I can track and eat well with minimal effort.  But when it comes to dealing with my demons, and the voice in my head, its still hard and I clearly have a long bloody way to go. 

It's time to put that inner Lab back on his lead!

My goal now, is to start Round 3 in the 60's.  Thats 2.5kgs I need to shed between now and kick off on September 12.   I can do that!