When I turned 30, I was probably at my heaviest weight, or at least very close to it. Turning 30 for me wasn't a celebration - not because I was afraid of getting older, but because it meant that in the first time in my life I would be older than my brother. My brother was 11 years older than me, but at the young age of 29, he was diagnosed with a liver tumour and advanced bowl cancer. This guy rarely drank, never smoked, never did drugs. He never had a weight problem and thanks to our Italian parents, we never ate processed food growing up. My parents grew all their own vegetables, raised their own chickens and my mother made everything from scratch, we didn't even have a microwave until I was 18 and that was only because Mum won it in a local raffle!
Needless to say, this diagnosis was a major shock to everyone. Our family has never had a history of ANY kind of cancer, not even with the family back in Italy. We couldn't understand it. I was only 18 at the time and I just didn't understand what was happening, or the seriousness. I had never known anyone who was sick or who had died. I still remember being in the Dr's room with my brother and him being told to get his affairs in order, that there was nothing they could do for him, but it never really sank in how sick he was. He was 29! Wrapping our heads around the fact he was dying was impossible.
Despite having extremely low odds that any chemotherapy would help him, he elected to try it anyway. Actually, I don't remember at the time if he really wanted to do it but my parents were so desperate to grab onto any strand of hope, I guess they pretty much forced him into it. There was even talk of him flying to Italy to try some controversial new treatment but he was simply too sick to fly. Within 3 months of being diagnosed, he died from a blood clot on his lung as a result of the complication from the chemo. He was only 2 months away from his 30th birthday.
After he died, I went off the rails a bit. I did some stupid stuff, made some stupid mistakes. I comfort ate and I gained weight. My brother was my anchor. I have a strained relationship with my parents at the best of times, and throughout my childhood and teenage years, he was often the only one I could talk to. Italian parents can be smothering, especially with their girls, and he was the one who pushed them to let me see my friends on weekends, go to the movies, and even just let me choose my own career. He was the one who supported my photography, he was the one who bought all my materials and films for my course when I left school, he was the one who first taught me to use a camera. The fact that now I have a thriving photography business is due to him. He's the one that set me on this path.
Turning 30, well, for me that was really tough. And I remember sitting there on the morning of my 30th birthday, at my heaviest weight and thinking... "What the FUCK am I doing? What is wrong with me?!" I have this amazing gift and I don't even realise it. I have a body that is pretty robust. Despite the excess weight, I don't really have any health issues. I have all my limbs, all my senses, I don't even have any allergies! And I have my whole life ahead of me. What would my brother have given to change places with me, to have this body instead of the cancer-riddle one he got? I'm sure as hell that he wouldn't be squandering it by eating crap food, being a couch potato and hating his reflection in the mirror. And that's essentially what I was doing. No exercise, bad eating and self-loathing is not a way to live. It's a waste. I've got so much potential, I can't squander this opportunity, this gift.
Last night, lying awake in the dark, I thought about my goals, and what I want to achieve in this round. I want to make my brother proud of me. I want him to see how grateful I am to have the body I do have. I want to show my body respect, love it for what it is.
So now, when I am doing this program, I am doing this for me, and for my brother. Every step I take, every weight I lift, every meal I eat, with every bead of sweat, I will be thinking of him. I'll do it because he never had the chance to, and I know he would want me to take the bull by the horns and live the life I know I am capable of. To be the best version of myself. I won't spend the rest of my life like I did my 20's. I am not going to squander my blessing.
RIP my brother. I miss you.
Oh sweetheart. Much love to yiu. Our lives are truly a gift arent they.
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